您懂得恋爱吗？BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP

The purpose of dating, marriage or finding a life-partner
约会，婚姻或寻到终身伴侣的目的
The wrong purposes:
错误的目的：
- Pride and to show off to friends
骄傲和向朋友们炫耀
- Sexual gratification
性方面的满足
- Social pressure
社会的压力
- Temporal and seasonal fun
暂时和季节性的乐趣
- Sense of incompleteness
不完全感
Is it true that you can find “completeness” through one another?
是否你们真的能通过彼此达到“完全”呢？
Are you normal if you are single and unmarried?
单身而未婚的人是正常人吗？
How important is it for you to find your Ms. or Mr. Right to appear?
你们寻求最佳伴侣的出现，这一点有多重要？

创 2:18 耶和华 神说：“那人独居不好，我要为他造一个配偶帮助他。”

The scripture states that God did not want us to be alone. Yet recognize foremost that:
圣经指出上帝并不是想让我们独身一人生活。然而首先我们必须认识到以下几点：
1) Singleness is not a curse, as God created us to be unique and is worthy.
单身并不是一种咒诅，原因在于上帝造了我们，使我们独一无二并且有价值。
2) Your season of singleness is a time to equip yourself by growing in relationship with Him and serve Him 100% without distraction.
在单身时期你们得以与上帝建立更为亲密的关系，全身心地、毫无羁绊地服事上帝，装备自己。
3) It is also a season to equip yourself by learning to love one another in the holy way.
在这一时期你们也可以通过学习以圣洁的方式彼此相爱来装备自己。
The scripture above also states the right purposes of having a life-partner:
上面的经文也阐述了获得终身伴侣的正确目的：
* To have companionship. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between two persons,
secondary to the relationship between the individual and God.
获得同伴。婚姻是两个人之间最亲密的关系，仅次于个人与上帝之间的关系。
* To have mutual help. This implies:
相互帮助。这意味着：
* The spouse must be suitable in terms of having skills, character, and physical attributes that complement one another.
在拥有技能，品性和体格特征方面配偶必须相互补充，适合对方。
* It must create synergy (being more effective than 2 serving separately)
婚姻必须产生协力优势（较二人各自服事更为有效）
* They must mutually support, backup and protect each other.
他们必须互相支持和保护。
* A decisive choice to use the enhanced effectiveness to serve God together.
双方决心借着婚姻更有果效地共同服事上帝
* Another purpose of having a life-partner is to produce Godly offspring.
获得终身伴侣的另一个目的是生育敬虔的后代。

Marriage is not a lottery game. Its success does not depend on “bumping” into the right person by chance.
婚姻不是彩票游戏。成功的婚姻不是凭着偶尔“碰”对了人就能取得的。

Marriage is a commitment between 2 people, which stand for the rest of their lives. God has already pre-arranged your future spouse according to His will and in His timing. And only abiding to His plan can the marriage endure the winds of time.
婚姻是两个人之间的承诺。这一承诺的时限是他们整个的余生。上帝已经照着他的旨意，按着他的时间表为你预定好了你未来的配偶。而只有遵行他的计划才能使你的婚姻经受得住时间的考验。

Nine BGR（BOYS & GIRLS RELATIONSHIP） Know Facts
恋人关系中应该了解的九个事实

1) Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not. The young woman has a higher chance to keep a boyfriend if she does not give in.
同婚前不发生性关系的未婚夫妻相比，婚前就有性行为的未婚男女更有可能在婚前分手。如果年轻女子在这方面不让步，她倒更有希望与男友继续维持恋爱关系。

2) Though the times have changed, many men yet do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else. Good men will respect a woman of integrity. If a man threatens to dump you without pre-marital sex, you better dump the man first.
尽管时代改变了，然而许多男士仍不愿意娶一位已经与其他人有过性关系的新娘。好男人都会尊敬那些正直诚实的女性。如果有人向你威胁说，若你不和他婚前发生性关系，他就要把你甩了的话，你最好还是先把他甩了吧。

3) Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins. Your virginity can only be given once to one person – and you want to give to the right one assigned by God.
贞洁的人们有可能获得比失贞的人们更为快乐的婚姻。童贞只能给一个人，也只能给一次------你们肯定希望把它交给那位上帝为你们指定的人儿。

4) Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage. The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the tendency to doubt or to suspect one another.
婚前有性行为的人更有可能在婚后分手或离婚。他们在婚前的性行为越多，就越有可能相互怀疑或猜疑。

5) Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins –having no concept that sex with other people is not OK.
失贞的人们会认为和他人有性行为没有什么关系，因此他们在婚后更有可能犯奸淫。

6) Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins. Sex can blind you. So we need to examine our inner motivations for getting into BGR relationships other than sex drive.
失贞的人们更容易上当而和不适和自己的人结婚。性可能使人变得盲目。因此我们需要检查一下自己内心的动机是否的确不是出于性的驱使

7) Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage. You will never forget the first time you make love and therefore tend to compare.
有婚前性经验的人不太容易对婚后性生活的总体感到满意。你永远不会忘记“第一次”的经历，因而常常会去做比较。

8) Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage. Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex, only to find out later that it was a mismatched. Yet bound by guilt or responsibility that they are pushed into marriage.
婚前发生性行为可能会导致糟糕的婚姻。往往是一对未婚男女开始认真考虑他们之间的关系，认为将会与对方结婚，于是便发生关系，后来才发现他们之间并不合适。然而或出于歉疚，或出于责任，他们被迫结婚。

9) Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage – either there is guilt, fear, and loss of self-esteem, or they cannot easily satisfy their sexual gratification and therefore look for wrongful ways to enhance sexual drive.
婚前发生性关系可能会破坏婚后的性生活，原因可能是一方或双方有负罪感、害怕以及自尊的丧失，也可能是由于他们在性生活上轻易不能得到满足，因而寻找错误的方法去增强性能力。

Ten Wrong Understandings about Love 十种关于爱的错误认识

1) A girl “owes” a fellow something for a wonderful evening
为度过一个美好的夜晚，女孩应该付出些什么
§ Love is not a trade 爱不是一种交易
2) Necking and petting are LK as long as it doesn’t go any further
只要不再有进一步的举动，亲吻和爱抚没有什么关系
§ Necking & petting can progress into something else
§ 亲吻和爱抚可能发展成另外的行为。

3) The time to decide how you will handle a problem on date is when the problem comes up
有关异性约会的问题到发生时再考虑怎样处理也不迟
§ Decide now so that when time comes, you will be alert before any affections or emotions are given out
§ 现在就做出决定，这样到了时候你才能在表达爱意之前保持清醒头脑。

4) Christians can date another person as long as he or she is a Christian
基督徒可以与任何其他基督徒约会
§ Christians dating Christians is a must, but not the only prerequisite.
§ 基督徒约会基督徒是必须的条件，但并非唯一的先决条件。
5) Having strong feelings of love for someone is true love
对某人感到强烈的爱意，那就是真爱。
§ Feelings are temporal. True love encompass a commitment and must be mutual
§ 感觉是暂时的。真爱包含了承诺，并且必须是双方的承诺。

6) Love at first sight yet exists 一见钟情仍然存在
§ In most cases it is not true, as first sight is only physical attraction. One cannot see through the soul and mind of the other person.
§ 在大多数情况下一见钟情都不是真实的，它只是肉体的吸引。一个人是看不透别人的心灵和思想的。

7) Saying “yes” to a fellow and having sex with him will cause him to love and appreciate you more
答应对方的要求和他发生关系，他就会更加爱你和欣赏你。
§ Do you want your spouse to appreciate you only base on sex?
§ 你是否希望你的配偶只是基于性的因素欣赏你？

8) It is not wrong to have sex with someone if you love each other and have a meaningful relationship
如果你们彼此相爱并且关系富有意义，那么你们发生性关系就不算错
§ No matter how much you love one another, even if the two persons are already engaged, premarital sex is yet a sin. God gives sex only to couples who are married as the most precious gift. (Opening the present before Christmas day losses the excitement on Christmas day)
§ 无论你们之间有多么相爱，即便你们已有婚约，婚前性行为仍然是一种罪。上帝把性作为最宝贵的礼物，只是送给了已婚的夫妻们。（如果在圣诞节前就将圣诞礼物打开，到了节日那天你就无法兴奋激动了）

9) A good sex life is all that is needed for a happy marriage
快乐的婚姻只需要有好的性生活。
§ Sex will enhance the bondage between a couple, but it is not the most important element
§ 性可以加强夫妻之间的联合，但它并非是最重要的因素。

10) Only “myself” will understand and distinguish true love and infatuation
只有“我自己”才会了解和分辨什么是真爱，什么是痴迷
§ The Chinese saying, “the person inside the incidence is blinded by the incidence” stands. You may like to eat durian but never realize the smell of durian can affect people around you.
§ 中国有句谚语说：“不识庐山真面目，只缘身在此山中”。你可能爱吃榴莲，但从未想到过榴莲的气味会影响到你周围的人。

î Avoid living for the moment – marriage is meant for a lifetime.
î 不要只为现时活着---婚姻是终身大事。
î Avoid living for good feelings – sense over sensibility, look for the facts
î 不要只为好感活着---理智胜于感觉，应当寻求事实。
î Avoid sexual immorality – God hates sin. Caressing someone’s body or kissing out of lust is the same sin as having sex.
î 不要犯奸淫 — 上帝恨恶罪恶。贪恋地抚摸他人的身体或亲吻对方，这和发生性关系一样都是罪。
î Avoid getting into a relationship hastily – true love waits. Think about how many more years until you are going to get married to start this journey until death.
î 不要匆忙地确定关系 — 真爱可以等待。想想还要经过多少年你们才会结婚吧！而这婚姻将一直延续到你们生命的终点。
î Avoid “following the crowd” – being single is perfectly fine. God has a purpose for you as a single.
î 不要“随大流”— 单身并不是坏事。对于单身的你，上帝有着他的目的。
î Avoid marring with the expectation of changing the other person – only God can change a person’s character. Doing it by yourself ends up in struggles and arguments for both.
î 不要指望你能改变另一方而结婚 — 只有上帝才能改变一个人的品性。若你硬要自己去改变对方，那只会以争斗和争论告终。
î Avoid living together to try out the compatibility – this is ripping off the privilege of your marriage life.
î 不要同居试婚 — 这样是对你婚姻生活特权的剥夺。
î Avoid dating non-Christians – there are different goals. In most cases, the non-Christians will drag the Christian away from God rather than the other way around.
î 不要和非基督徒约会 — 基督徒和非基督徒的人生目标不同。在大多数情形下，往往是非基督徒使基督徒远离上帝，而不是基督徒把非基督徒带到上帝的面前。
î Avoid dating if you are not thinking of marrying – you are not only distracting yourself from the focus on God, but also affecting the life of another Christian. Also the possibility of broken relationship only brings scars in life.
î 如果你不想结婚，那就不要和对方约会。否则你不但自己不能专心仰望上帝，而且还会影响另一位基督徒的生活。另外，你们还可能关系破裂，那样只会给双方带来伤痛。

What is true love? 真正的爱是什么？
Nobody yet understands fully the perfect love that resembles God’s love, but we can learn
尚未有人得以完全领会那种与上帝之爱类似的完全的爱，可我们还是能够逐渐更深地

more day by day. Therefore if you want to know how to love, the primary focus is to learn
了解这种爱。因此如果想要知道如何去爱，最重要的一点就是我们去了解上帝是怎样
how God loves us and how we can love God.
爱我们的，以及我们如何能够爱上帝。

How to Formulate Godly Relationship
如何明确敬虔圣洁的关系
5 stages of relationship development:
关系发展的5个阶段：
1) Fellowship 团契
§ In a local church environment with built in accountability for one another. Our responsibility at this stage is to stir up each other’s faith.
§ 在地方教会的环境中，信徒们之间互相负责任。在这一阶段我们的责任就是激发彼此的信心。
§ We relate to one another as normal brother and sister in Christ.
§ 我们之间的关系是普通的主内弟兄姊妹的关系。

2) Friendship 友谊
§ Sticking close to each other than a brother, with more opportunities to work and serve together with effectiveness.
§ 较一般弟兄间的关系更为亲密，彼此有更多的机会在一起工作和服事上帝，并且卓有成效。
§ A stage of pure friendship and working partners, with no hidden agenda
§ 这一阶段是单纯的友谊和工作伙伴关系，之间没有隐秘的动机。
§ Learning about each other in normal daily settings, such as behaviors/attitudes towards other people, dependability towards assigned works, consistency in serving God, response towards leaders’ corrections.
§ 在日常的环境中彼此进行了解，诸如对方对他人的举止/态度，在分派的工场里是否值得信赖，服事上帝是否一贯持久，对教会领袖们修正言行的反应如何。
§ Observe how the other person handle difficult situation in life (work pressure, life crisis management, etc.)
§ 观察对方如何应对生活中的难处（工作压力、生活危机管理等等）
§ Develop freedom to correct each other
§ 能直率地纠正彼此的错误
§ Develop in utilizing to the full extent spiritual gifting both on individual and partnership level
§ 能完全地利用包括个人和工作伙伴这两方面的属灵恩赐
§ This is a stage whereby God refines the characters separately, in preparation not for marriage, but for spiritual growth and for service
§ 这个阶段里，上帝分别对各人的品性做炼净的工作，但不是作为婚姻的预备，而是为了各人灵命的长进以及更好的事奉。

3) Courtship 求爱
§ Do not engage in this level if you have no intention to get married!
§ 如果不打算结婚，你就不要进入这个阶段！
§ Jointly seek God’s will together through prayer, consultation with leaders, observations of spiritual maturity and capability:
§ 通过祷告、向教会领袖咨询、对灵命成熟程度和属灵能力的观察，共同寻求上帝的旨意。
î Prayer – decide whether to formulate this special relationship by setting aside a period for prayer.
î 祷告 —安排一段时期的祷告，以决定是否明确这一特殊的关系。
î Consult – a blessed relationship is not just between 2 people, but should be a blessing to all people around us.
î 咨询 — 蒙上帝祝福的关系不仅仅是两人之间的事，而应成为对众人的祝福。
Be accountable to the spiritual leaders so as to protect us from making the wrong decision and unnecessary embarrassment (especially when love is one-sided), and to protect us from affecting relationship between brothers & sisters.
应向教会领袖负责，这样可使我们不会做出错误决定，引起不必要的尴尬（尤其当发生单恋时），也不致影响弟兄姊妹之间的关系
Being accountable is to ask before making decision, not informing after making decision.
向领袖负责意味着在做决定前就征询他们的意见，而不是决定做好后才通知他们。
î Be honorable – commit the relationship entirely to God for approval before deciding to go ahead.
î 高尚 — 把你们的关系完全交托给上帝，得到他的许可后再决定进一步地发展。
î Integrity – promise to keep the relationship proper, with maximum self-control and discipline.
î 正直 — 维持正当的关系，最大限度地控制和约束自己。
§ There must be mutual acceptance and appreciation in biblical (unconditional) way, and the goal is yet to serve God with undivided attention.
§ 在圣经（无条件）原则方面，双方必须相互认同，彼此欣赏，以一心一意事奉上帝为共同目标。
§ This stage may take years, as God may need to test or further equip the individuals. Therefore patience is essential to wait for the right timing, especially if one party is still studying or immature.
§ 这个阶段可能需要几年时间，原因在于上帝可能需要对两人进行试验或进一步装备他们。因此双方必须耐心等待上帝的时候来到，尤其当一方仍在学习或尚未成年时更该如此。
§ Does not necessarily ended up in confirmation and dating
§ 这一阶段并非一定要以确定关系和约会告终。
§ If things does not work out, the two remain brothers and sisters without feelings of bitterness
§ 如果两人关系不能理想发展，他们仍可保持弟兄姊妹的关系，不会给对方带来伤痛。

4) Engagement 婚约
§ With confirmation from God, the couple already has a commitment to marry each other. It is only then the dating starts.
§ 在得到上帝的确证以后，未婚夫妻就等于彼此有了结婚的承诺。到这个时侯约会才真正开始。
§ Once engaged, the couple is regarded husband and wife, except having marital status.
§ 一旦有了婚约，尽管未婚夫妻的婚姻状况仍是未婚，人们却会把他们看作夫妻。
§ Guarding against sexual impurity is all the more important at this stage because the temptation becomes greater.
§ 在这个阶段，性的诱惑越发强烈，因此抵制诱惑、保持圣洁变得更加重要。
§ Both people should continue to grow but with a direction of building up a family to serve together rather than separately.
§ 双方在灵命上应该继续长进，但不应各自进步，而是应朝着建立家庭、共同事奉的方向发展。
§ Continue to be accountable towards leaders, especially about inner thoughts, which may cause sexual impurity.
§ 继续向教会领袖负责，尤其是关于内心的思想意念，因为思想意念可能犯淫乱。
§ Avoid getting too “sticky” with each other. Again, a blessed relationship is not only a blessing to the 2 persons involved.
§ 彼此之间不要太“粘乎”。重复一遍，蒙上帝祝福的关系不仅仅是对当事人双方的祝福。

5) Marriage 婚姻
§ Covenantal relationship that last for a lifetime.
§ 持续一生之久的契约关系
§ A correct and complete sequence should be:
§ 正确而完整的次序应该是：
î Celebration – public wedding in the presence of God and the church
î 庆祝 — 在上帝和教会会众面前举行公开婚礼
î Commitment – conventionally related as husband and wife
î 承诺 — 按照传统成为丈夫和妻子
î Consummation – enjoy the gift of sexual relationship within marriage
î 完成 — 享受上帝的礼物——婚姻里的性关系
§ The order must be right and the sequence must also be complete
§ 次序必须正确而且完整
§ Do no reverse the order and put sex first. It is only through the commitment of marriage that sexual fulfillment is found.
§ 不要颠倒次序，把性放在首位。只有通过婚约的承诺才能获得性的满足。

How to Choose a Life-Partner 如何选择终身伴侣
(Factors to consider during Friendship stage before entering courtship)
在恋爱前的友谊阶段就应考虑的因素
1) Observe the spiritual life of the other party 观察另一方的属灵生活
§ Born again Christian 重生的基督徒
§ Committed Christian, not either hot nor cold
§ 既不太过热心也不冷淡的委身基督徒
§ Mature in Christian character and thinking
§ 在基督的品性和思想方面已经成熟
§ Spiritual gifts that compensate and complement
§ 作为补充和补偿因素的属灵恩赐
2) Share the same vision from God 拥有从上帝而来的相同的异象
3) Confirmation from God himself, godly counselors / spiritual leaders, and from parents
从上帝、敬虔的婚姻顾问或教会领袖以及双方父母那里得到确证
4) Social / mental union compatibility -- education, age and culture
社会/精神结合适合性 – 教育 、年龄和文化
5) Likes and dislikes 喜爱和厌恶之物
6) Habits 习惯
§ Attitudes, values and habits do not compliment but they should be similar
§ 态度，价值观和习惯应相似
7) Emotionally, the two must be able to work together. They should be able to support each other as friends and get along well with each other in daily life.
在情感上两人必须能够合作。在日常生活中他们应能够象朋友那样相互支持，友好相处。

8) Physical union compatibility – physical stature such as height and weight, medical conditions, natural talents and gifting
身体结合适合性 — 身材如高矮胖瘦，健康情况，先天才干和禀赋

An acid test to know whether you should proceed with courtship: If your (a) ministry, (b) studies/work and (c) testimony (no stumbling block to anyone) are getting better, then proceed; else hold on and revert…
有一种严峻的检验标准可以让你知道是否该继续求爱过程，那就是：如果你的 (a)牧道，(b)研究/事工以及 (c)见证（对任何人都并非绊脚石）有长进，那么你们可以继续发展；否则就应停止和回头…

(申 32:30) 若不是他们的盘石卖了他们，若不是耶和华交出他们，一人焉能追赶他们千人，二人焉能使万人逃跑呢？

è A God blessed relationship naturally proves that two is better than one. If not, we need to examine our inter motivation for desiring BGR. We are probably not having the right footing in relationships.
蒙上帝祝福的关系自然就能证明二人比一人强。如果事实不是这样，那我们就需要检查一下我们期望得到BGR的内心动机。可能我们并不具备正确的立足点。
è It must be beneficial to the Kingdom of God. If we devote ourselves in God’s purposes, we will always get the best from God.
è 这种关系必须有益于上帝的国度。假如我们按着上帝的计划奉献自己，我们就必能从上帝那里得到最好的祝福。
è It must be practical at the same time in terms of financial readiness, timing, maturity level, etc. Ask advice from someone who will dare to tell you things that you need to hear, but you may not like to hear.
è 同时这种关系在资金准备、时间安排、成熟程度等方面是切实可行的。有的人会敢于把你需要但又不爱听的事情告诉你，你可向他们征求意见。

Conclusion 结论

Practice selfless love.
实践无私的爱
Think in Kingdom terms
从天国的角度来思考
Maximize effort to serve God in your singlehood
单身时尽最大努力服事上帝